Confusion Series: EA--What
by Chameleon Shadowynd
Summary: This is a crazy little ditty I put together in bouts of insanity. Dark_One...please don't kill me


ETERNAL ANIMORPHS: The Confusion  
~ Parody by Chameleon. Original Idea by Dark_One Shadowphyre~  
  
  
Author's Note: The characters of Ahdri, Sadi, Sarah, and the Wintarians - Chrys, David, Kestral, Marc, Snowren, Daria, Jessie, Darryl, Trey, and Veronica - are property of Dark_One Shadowphyre in whatever form she may take. Secondly, this parody was written in several fits of insanity, so I am not - completely - to blame for anything that happens. Third, any references to other authors or their fan fiction, complimentary or otherwise, are strictly for the purposes of adding to the story line, so please don't be angry! Fourth, I am not against southerners, limos, aliens, the state of Texas, the colors green, red, black, and blue, the letters Q and X, or the number 17. Please do not be offended. Lastly, the idea for this fic was, mostly, inspired by the fabulous D.M.P.'s "Pure Insanity" and the magnanimous Guardian's "Anidumbpeople," as well as the fabulous AniMST3K of CRFan's "The Date," written by Shyara. It's not my fault! Do not flame me! Pleeeeeeeeease!!  
  
Dark_One: ~off-stage~ Chame?  
  
Chame: Yeah, D?  
  
Dark_One: Get on with it, please, I'll need my characters back in time to do "Eternal Animorphs."  
  
Chame: Okay, okay! Done now!  
  
  
- Prologue -  
  
"Just how much longer do we have to sit here?" a plaintive voice asked from inside the wooden barn.  
  
"Until she gets here, duh!" another voice, female this time, replied archly.  
  
"Yeah, but who is 'she'?" the first voice persisted. This time, a steadier male voice answered.  
  
"'She' is the one paying us to do this. I think she'll be here in a few more minutes."  
  
"Hmph. You said that half an hour ago, pal. I still don't see her."  
  
"She will be here," a calm, steady female voice said. There was silence for a moment.  
  
"So what is it she wants?" asked a third male voice.  
  
"Who knows what it is? I think she prides herself on being irrationally confusing." That was from the steady-voiced female.  
  
"Well, she's certainly good at it," grumbled the first voice.  
  
"Does she even have Her permission?" asked a skeptical male voice. "I don't want to be doing anything illegal."  
  
"Like we don't do that already!" shot back the first voice.  
  
"Listen! I think she's here!"  
  
"Okay, places everyone!"  
  
"Three! Two! One! Action!"  
  
*Note: The last names in this story are completely made up by Chameleon and are not the actual last names of either the Animorphs or Dark_One's characters. Special thanks to those allowing me to use their characters as cameo guest stars or for honorable mention. And now, the moment you've all been dreading....  
  
  
Part One: Chosen Few  
  
  
- Chapter One -   
  
"I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend, You could cut ties with all the lies, That you've been living in, And if you do not want to see me again, I would underst- "  
  
Ahdrianna snapped off the radio with a mental flick of the switch. Third Eye Blind was okay most of the time, but that song was coming dangerously close to the truth of the situation. She'd never felt so depressed in her life. After the last battle... No, Ahdri didn't want to think about that. Not about seeing Visser Three screaming in rage. Not about seeing Tom screaming from pain as the Dracon beams cut him to pieces-  
  
-- @ --  
  
"Whoa, whoa, wait a minute here! What's this about Tom being dead?" Ahdri asked, looking very annoyed. Tom glanced up sharply from his book.  
  
"Let me see that!" He peered at the screen in bewilderment. "I'm dead?" he asked, a little dumbfoundedly.  
  
"Hey, don't fanfics usually start first-person?" Cassie commented, staring at the script. "You know, the whole "My name is..." thing? What happened to that?"  
  
"Maybe someone finally got brains and tossed it," Rachel suggested.  
  
Or perhaps they do not have enough brains to remember to write it in, Ax commented in private thought-speak to the other Animorphs. Everyone exchanged glances with each other.  
  
"Yeah, I'd bet on that," Tom said with a glance toward the computer. The others nodded solemnly.  
  
"So what's going to happen next?" Marco asked, searching his pockets for his own script. He pulled it out and read:  
  
-- @ --  
  
And there wasn't really anything Ahdri could have done to prevent it. That was what bothered her the most. The fact that she'd been helpless to stop the death of the one she loved.  
  
"Havens, I'd almost wish to be dead again than face this kind of pain!" she thought to herself. "Aximili is back on the homeworld and Sadi went with him, Jake and Cassie are totally wrapped up in each other, Rachel and Tobias are somewhere out in California, Marco's got Sarah, the Animorphs are falling apart... And now my lifemate's dead," she finished, still unable to believe it could have happened.  
  
-- @ --  
  
"Goddess, this is pathetic," Ahdri grumbled. "I'm sitting here breaking my heart over something I had no control over. And who're Sadi and Sarah?"  
  
"Sadina is your long-lost sister and Sarah is Tobias's equally long-lost sister," a voice replied. They turned to look at the very tall lizard woman sitting in front of the computer. "Sadi was raised in France, so speaks French fluently. Sarah, on the other hand, has been living in Mexico since she and Tobias were separated at age two, so speaks fluent Spanish."  
  
"When did this happen? Since when do I have a sister?" Ahdri demanded.  
  
"And since when has my assumed sister lived her life in Mexico?" Tobias asked from where he sat with Rachel. Everyone looks at Tobias.  
  
"What're you talking about, Tobias? You don't have a sister!" Jake exclaimed.  
  
"Check out the Animorphs fan sites," Tobias responded. "According to the fan fiction posted there, I alternately have one sister named Andrea, another sister named Maggie, a brother supposedly named Nitro, still another sister named Janet who faked her death, yet one more sister named Eleni; there are probably a lot more "siblings" of mine out there."  
  
"What kind of name is 'Nitro?'" Marco sneered. "It sounds like something I don't want to touch."  
  
"I've read a couple of those," Cassie added. "It's funny. Maggie was also paired up with Marco."  
  
"Except she had a crush on Jake," Tobias countered.  
  
"WE-ell, we won't have that problem here," the lizard woman interjected. "Sarah met Marco first and is completely devoted to him in the later books."  
  
"Wait a minute! We haven't gotten past book two! How do you know about this?" Marco wanted to know. The lizard, Chame, smirked.  
  
"I read Dark_One's series notes," she said smugly.  
  
"Okay, so Tobias and I have sisters and Tom's dead; I object to that last quite a bit, by the way," Ahdri added. "The only reason we're putting up with you is because Dark_One gave us Her okay for this. But can we just waken this up a bit? All this moping is gonna make me sick!"  
  
"Okay, okay!" Chame muttered, and turned back to the computer.  
  
-- @ --  
  
The phone rang.  
  
-- @ --  
  
"That enough lightening for ya?" Chame asked archly. The Animorphs glared at her. "Oh, fine, have it your way!" the lizard grumbled and turned back to the monitor and keyboard, muttering to herself.  
  
-- @ --  
  
"Moshi moshi?" Ahdri said into the receiver. She really did not want to talk to anyone right now, but people were bound to call.  
  
"Konichiwa, Ahdri-chan," the voice on the other end said steadily. "This is Chrys."  
  
-- @ --  
  
"Who?" asked Ahdri, peering at the screen. Chame sighed and erased that part of the story, grumbling. Still muttering, she began to type again.  
  
"This is...uh...oh, crap, what's her name?" Chame stopped typing and pulled out a bunch of papers and began sorting through them.  
  
"What's that?" Marco asked curiously.  
  
"Some of D's other stories. Ah! Here it is!" The lizard woman held up a page triumphantly. "Got it!"  
  
-- @ --  
  
"This is Moonblade."  
  
-- @ --  
  
"Oh, her," Ahdri said dismissingly.  
  
"We have to work with them again?" Marco groaned. Suddenly, there was a loud squeal of tires on the road as a long limousine pulled up to the barn. A moment later, nine kids and an Andalite entered the barn.  
  
"Sorry we're late," the girl with meatballs said. "Traffic was terrible and Trey was driving." The black haired boy pretended to look offended.  
  
"Just because it got one little dent in it," he began. Ahdri went to the window and looked out. Her jaw dropped.  
  
"You call that 'little'?! That thing's totaled!" she exclaimed. The blond girl shrugged.  
  
"It's Dark_One's limo. Since Trey was driving, I suspect she'll just take it out of his paycheck." The black haired boy gulped.  
  
"Okay, so, what are your names again?" Chame asked from the computer. "Let's all get introductions out of the way."  
  
"Okay, I'm Chrysanthemum Harris."  
  
"David Richards."  
  
"Veronica Hills."  
  
"Trey Wilks."  
  
"Kestral Wilks. Cousins, not siblings."  
  
"Marcus Brace."  
  
"Jessica Rivera."  
  
"Darryl Stevens."  
  
"Daria Morgendorfer."  
  
I am Snowren y Azulagua de Wintarys.   
  
"Wait just one cotton-pickin' minute here!" Marco exclaimed in a bad imitation of a southerner. "That isn't an Andalite name!" Snowren leveled his main eyes at Marco.  
  
I am not a real Andalite. Don't you remember that scene in Dark_One's Eternal Animorphs where Kes and Marc informed you all of my actual species?   
  
"Oh, yeah," Marco commented, and subsided. Jake sighed.  
  
"I suppose it's my turn?" Everyone nodded. "Okay. I'm Jacob Fielder."  
  
"Thomas Fielder. Older brother."  
  
"Rachel Fielder. Cousin."  
  
"Ahdrianna Rhodes."  
  
"Cassandra Jameson."  
  
"Marco Barrister."  
  
"Tobias Stevens."  
  
Aximili-Esgarrouth-Isthil.   
  
"Great!" Chame said. "I'm Chameleon, but you can call me Chame. Now, can we get back to the fic here? It's your line, Chrys."  
  
"It is?" Chrys walked over to peer at the screen. "Oh! Sorry about tha- Wait a minute! Tom's dead?"  
  
"Chame's being difficult," Ahdri said by way of an explanation. Chrys and the others of her group all nod wisely.  
  
"Okay, um... 'Konichiwa, Ahdri-chan. This is Moonblade.'"  
  
  
- Chapter Two -  
  
Ahdri snapped alert. Moonblade had been the one who'd given her the shape-shifting powers, and who'd led her followers to aid in Ahdri's recovery of her Ellimist powers. Despite that, the meatball-headed woman had been a thorn in Ahdri's side for the past few years.  
  
-- @ --  
  
"Wha-at?! What's that supposed to be about?" Chrys demanded, staring at the screen.  
  
"It has something to do with Ahdri's betrayal of her fellow Animorphs when you threatened the life of her sister," Chame said without looking up. The Animorphs and Wintarians all looked at each other.  
  
"You betrayed us?" Jake asked Ahdri.  
  
"I don't know anything about that! It hasn't happened yet." Ahdri replied to Jake. "You threatened, uh, whatzername, um, Sadi?" she queried, staring at Chrys.  
  
"Don't look at me! It hasn't happened in our series either!" Chrys said, holding up her hands. From the back, Trey snorted.  
  
"With the way Dark_One's been working sooooo much on our series, it'll be a wonder if we ever get to number two, much less number...whatever the one where we met Ahdri is in!"  
  
"Seventeen," chorused Chrys, Veronica, Ahdri, Marco, and Tom. Then they all burst out laughing. While the characters chuckled, Chame began to type again.  
  
-- @ --  
  
"What do you want, Dokuya?" Ahdri asked wearily. The name she had called her - "Dokuya" - meant "Poisoned Arrow." Ahdri had always thought that was appropriate.  
  
"What do I want?" Moonblade mocked. "Why, I want to help you, of course."  
  
"Sheka," Ahdri spat. "If I believed that, I'd be ignoring the fact that you nearly murdered both me and my twin sister!"  
  
"Ah, but I have something you want. And you want it badly. Do you know what it is? Go on! Guess it!" Moonblade taunted.  
  
-- @ --  
  
"Hold it! What's this about me trying to murder anybody?" Chrys demanded. "As far as I know, I haven't really tried to kill anyone except the yeerks!"  
  
"And what the hell does 'sheka' mean, anyway?" Ahdri asked.  
  
"It's in a later EA book. 'Sheka' effectively means 'nonsense,' but much more forceful," Chame said, answering both questions.  
  
"You mean like {bleep}?" Trey asked, looking interested.  
  
"Or {bleep}?" Marco added. Everyone looked a little shocked.  
  
"Um, yes," Chame said uncomfortably. "Can we get on with this now?"  
  
"Oh, all right," Ahdri grumbled. Chrys didn't say anything.  
  
-- @ --  
  
"Kisama. Now is not the time for guessing games!"  
  
"Tsk, tsk. Such language!" Moonblade mocked. "You recall your beloved Tom's funeral? A funeral without a body?"  
  
"We couldn't have a body. It would have raised too many questions." Why was she bringing up such a painful memory? Was this more of her torment? "You should know that as well as any of us who fought the yeerks."  
  
-- @ --  
  
"Be honest, Chame," Chrys said. "Would I really do something that cruel?"  
  
"Well, I'm writing it in anyway, so there!" Chame said and continued to type.  
  
-- @ --  
  
"But wasn't it odd how his body disappeared?" Moonblade pressed. Adhri snarled into the phone.  
  
"All right, yes, it was really strange! Happy? I still don't see..." and she trailed off. A thought had just occurred to her. And she didn't like it one bit. "You. You took his body."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Did you kill him? Was your group responsible in any way for his death?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Why did you call, then?"  
  
-- @ --  
  
"Yeah, Chame, why did I call?" Chrys asked with a slight sneer.  
  
"I'd like to know that, myself," Tom added.  
  
-- @ --  
  
"Because Tom's not dead," Moonblade said simply, not mocking this time. "Your lifemate is very much alive."  
  
  
- Chapter ... Uh ... Oh, Who Cares?! -  
  
"Wh-what?" Ahdri stammered, her mouth gone dry.  
  
-- @ --  
  
"Yeah, what?" Chrys repeated, staring at her own lines as if they'd grown four feet, a tail, and whiskers.  
  
"Wait a minute, what's going on here? I thought I was supposed to be dead," Tom spoke up.  
  
"You wanted to stay that way?" Chame countered. "I recall your beloved, shape-shifting, traitor of a girlfriend was very much against it!"  
  
"I'm not a traitor!" Ahdri said hotly.  
  
"ENOUGH!!"  
  
Everyone in the room jumped from the ear-splitting roar that filled the barn. Chame shot out of her chair, tipping it over onto the floor, and spun to face the speaker. "Uh-oh," she said, and swallowed hard.  
  
The woman that entered the barn would normally have been shorter than Chame, about even with Chrys in height. Her eyes would have been the same shifting hazel, and her hair the same sun-touched red-gold, with gold-toned skin. But right now, she towered over the lizard woman, eyes blazing with green fire, her hair a mass of red, writhing flames. The only jarring note was her blue denim shorts, black tank top, and dirty white tennis shoes. But the force of her personality and emotion canceled that out.  
  
As one, the Wintarians bowed at the waist, the girls managing to curtsey, and Snowren performed his own version in Andalite form. Chameleon stood there, trembling in the fierce waves of energy that radiated from the woman. The Animorphs merely stared at the woman, half in shock. All but Ahdri, who bowed low at the waist as the Wintarians did.  
  
"Shadowphyre-sama," she murmured.  
  
"At ease," Dark_One Shadowphyre said through clenched teeth. "Chame...would you be so kind as to inform me of what exactly you are doing to my characters?"  
  
"Wh-what do you m-mean?" Chame stammered. Dark_One glared at her, then turned to Chrys and Ahdri.  
  
"Would one of you please tell me what my Cousin has been doing? She is apparently incapable of telling me herself." Wordlessly, Ahdri and Chrys handed Dark_One their scripts. The fire-haired woman skimmed through the first few pages, then walked over to the computer, bending over to look at the screen.  
  
-- @ --  
  
"B-but...Tom's dead! I saw him fall!" Ahdri cried. From the phone, Moonblade snorted disdainfully.  
  
"You thought you did at any rate. He's alive. But he needs help, and soon. Get the others together and-"  
  
"I can't!" Ahdri moaned in anguish. "None of them really trusts me anymore thanks to you! The Animorphs are falling apart, Blade. We aren't a group anymore. Hell, I haven't seen my own sister since she went flying off to the Andalite homeworld with Aximili!"  
  
-- @ --  
  
Dark_One straightened, her face expressionless. That was a bad sign. Chameleon was doomed.  
  
"Where are you getting this material?" Dark_One queried with icy calm. Chame shrank back.  
  
"Y-your s-series n-notes," she squeaked. Dark_One held out a hand and Chame thrust the papers into it. The young woman stared at the papers.  
  
"Wha-? These series notes are a century old!" Dark_One exclaimed. "Why on earth would I want to kill off Tom? He's still valuable as a character. Besides, the only one I'm interested in killing is Trey." She held up a battered piece of metal that looked like part of a once fashionable limousine. Trey gulped audibly.  
  
"But- You see- there was this car- and I swear it was driving in a Q!" he stammered. Kestral rolled her eyes.  
  
"X up, Cuz," she snapped.  
  
"So you mean I don't have a sister living in Mexico?" Tobias asked. Dark_One blinked and turned to look at him.  
  
"Mexi- No, no, Sarah's over in France," she said. "It's Sadina who's been living down in Mexico all this time."  
  
"So Chame was right about Sarah and Sadina," Rachel mused.  
  
"Or at least about their names and relationships," Kestral contributed. She and Rachel exchanged knowing looks.  
  
"What about that bit of Chrys threatening their lives?" David asked, frowning suddenly.  
  
"And about Ahdri betraying all of us," Jake added. Dark_One scowled a bit.  
  
"It appears that Chameleon has taken certain liberties with the facts. Again. Chrys only warned of danger to Sarah and Sadi. As for Ahdri's betrayal, well, I'm still toying with that idea. I don't even know if I'll use it. Chame, what is with you?" Chame was digging frantically through her papers. Finally she came up with a small piece of paper, roughly the size of a business card. She waved it triumphantly at Dark_One. Ahdri took it and stared at it.  
  
"What is it?" Tom asked her. Ahdri glanced up, then turned the card around for him to see the front.  
  
"Poetic License," she replied dryly.  
  
  
- Chapter ...Whatever -  
  
"Huh?" Darryl asked. "What's a Poetic License?"  
  
"It technically means that Chame is authorized to manipulate facts to demonstrate a point in a matter," Dark_One Shadowphyre said. Tobias snorted.  
  
"What point?" he asked.  
  
"*What* matter?" Darryl queried.  
  
"What *facts*?" Marc added. The three of them shared a look of understanding, much like the one Rachel and Kestral had shared a moment before. There was a strange beeping noise coming from Dark_One's wrist. The author lifted her wrist and peered at it.  
  
"Crap, I'm late!" Quickly, the author woman shifts her clothes to an odd looking uniform of black and midnight blue with emerald green sashes and a teal armband. "Sorry, folks, got a war to run!" she called as she scampered out of the barn. Everyone but the Animorphs passed a confused glance around the room.  
  
"Well," Kestral said finally. "I wonder what that's about."  
  
"Didn't you know?" Chame asked. "There's a huge Fan Fic Author War going on right now." The Animorphs nodded.  
  
"Dark_One's been one of the prime characters ever since her debut as a mercenary author in D.M.P.'s "Pure Insanity #7". She's working on her piece right now, which is why Eternal Animorphs and your Wintarian Chronicles have been put on hold," Rachel added.  
  
"Except she's going on vacation, so she won't be able to submit it right away once it's done," Cassie interjected.  
  
"She shot me in the back," Marco grumbled. Jake rolled his eyes.  
  
"Oh, come on, you know they were just those False Death bolts she uses," he snapped. "We were in on her part of it."  
  
"Yeah, but remember when we had to rescue those authors from becoming townies?" Rachel asked. Tom blinked.  
  
"Where was this?" he asked.  
  
"Lubbok, Texas," Jake said. "D.M.P. recruited us to save a bunch of authors from getting turned into townies by the Townie Ray. Then D.M.P. got a hold of it...." The Animorphs all shudder at the memory.  
  
"We did get a good-sized pay check for the cameo appearances," Tobias put in.  
  
"Almost as much as we're getting paid to do this for Chame," Cassie spoke up.  
  
No, I'm afraid D.M.P. still paid us at least one third more than we are getting for this fic, Ax said. The Animorphs all began talking amongst themselves, while the Wintarians began to look rather bored.  
  
"Is there any chance of getting back to this?" Chame asked, but her query went mostly unnoticed. The party began to break up. All the Wintarians piled out of the barn and into the battered limo, which roared away in minutes, knocking over two trash cans and a mail box before side-swiping a telephone pole. Ahdri and Tom went back to their respective places together, Tom to Supporting Sector and Ahdri to Recruiting Row.  
  
"So," Tom said. "Did you read Shyara's new AniMST3K?"  
  
"Yeah, I read it," Ahdri replied, grinning. "Pretty funny." After a few moments of silence, "Do you think anyone will do an MST3K of this fic?"  
  
"Ah reckon," Tom said with a corny southern accent. Ahdri shuddered.  
  
"Stop. You sound like a townie when you do that," she admonished. Tom paled, recalling his brother's talk of Lubbok, Texas and the dreaded Townie Ray. "Seriously, do you think someone will do that?"  
  
"Probably," Tom answered after a moment. Then he grinned. "Tell true, after what Chame's put us through, I'd love to see the Animorphs out for her blood like they were for CRFan's." Ahdri laughed.  
  
"We'll see," she replies. "Who knows? We may even make it to FanFiction.Net!"  
  
"That'll be the day!" Tom smirks. The two minor characters walk off, arm in arm, into the sunset.  
  
-- @ --  
  
In another part of the fan fiction world, a lizard woman slowly rubbed her hands together, her gold eyes glittering dangerously.  
  
"Soon, I shall have my revenge, Dark_One Shadowphyre!" she cried, her maniacal laughter fading into the night.  
  
  
*Note: Well? Whaddya think?? Tell me!!  



End file.
